The Cake of Azura
by Amarth9284
Summary: The Forbidden Cake made by Azura has been found. Now, Vivec and the gang are recruited to solve the mystery.


The Cake of Azura 

Long ago, before people inhabited the world, Azura cooked a great cake. That cake was the best tasting cake that ever, and will ever, exist. Once she realized how good it was, she decided to seal the cake in a magical daedric bread box. The aroma of the cake was so great, that it's heavenly sent drove the other daedric gods mad. Azura was forced to hurl the bread box with the cake into the land of Vvardenfel. The box has rested for millions of years, until now.  
  
One morning, at Vivec's Temple, Vivec levitated while meditating like he had been doing for hundreds of years. Suddenly, the temple doors flew open and Vivec fell to the ground. He then looked up to the priest that dashed in with a distressed look upon his face. Vivec stared at him with an evil glare in his eyes "****it, you scared the **** out of me you ***!" The priest fell to his knees "I beg your forgivness my lord bu-" Vivec stopped him with "What did I tell you to call me priest!?" The priest sighed deeply and lowered his shoulders "I beg your forgiveness...Mr. Snuggles." Vivec placed his hands on his hips and laughed "Yes, I am Mr. Snuggles!" Vivec smilled and looked down at the priest "Uh...get your *** of the floor dude, what's the problem?" The priest stood up and nodded to Vivec "Lord viv-I mean, Mr. Snuggles, we have recieved word from the Armigers near Ghost Gate that Dagoth Ur clames to have found the Sacred Azura Cake of legend." Vivec's jaw dropped and soon drool dripped down to his chin "Did you say...the Sacred Azura Cake?" The priest nodded "Yes uh, Mr. Snuggles, the ordinator that has returned from Red Mountain is waiting for an audience with you sir." Vivec then looked past the priest and to the door "Well, show him in." The priest opened the door and let the Ordinator in. The Ordinator had a few arrows sticking out of his back, but other than that, he was fine. He looked up to Vivec and as soon as he was about to speak, Azura appeared and fell on top of the Ordinator. Azura stood up and quickly regained her composure "Uh, sorry about that, didn't see you there." The ordinator stood up "I'm fine...It was actually quite pleasent, having your chest in my face and all." The ordinator then fainted and fell to the ground. Azura shrugged and spoke to Vivec "I need to you go on a quest to retrieve my cake Vivec." Vivec glared at her and Azura rolled her eyes "Mr. Snuggles." Vivec smiled and clapped "Good, I'll be happy to retrieve your cake Azura." Azura then snapped her fingers and suddenly Almalexia, Sotha Sil, and Nerevar appeared. Almalexia, Sotha Sil, and Nerevar all said the same thing "What the ****?" Vivec shrugged as he looked at the trio standing behind Almalexia "What do they have to do with the cake?" Azura crossed her arms and closed her eyes "Well, last time I asked you to do something, you thought of how it would serve you. I don't want this cake eaten so I summoned your two friends to watch you and I also brought Nerevar to watch you too. Nerevar smiled and waved to Azura "Sure think snookums." Azura blushed and waved the back of her hand at him "Not now." Almalexia's eyes flared as she stared down Azura "Have you been doing the horizontal tango with my Nerevar!?" Azura blushed again and quickly fabricated a lie "I uh, he's just a friend." Almalexia flared her nostrils and smoke spued out "I'm watching you" Azura then turned to Vivec "The cake has been found by Dagoth Ur, he doesn't know how to open it yet, but he will find out soon. Vivec nodded "Okay, but uh, when we find the cake, can we have a piece?" Azura shook her head "No you may not" Vivec sighed "Okay, we leave tommorow."  
  
The morning came and they were all in Vivec's Temple with a stock pile of equipment. Vivec stood with Almalexia, Sotha Sil, and Nerevar and informed them "Okay fellas, this is my collection of equipment, take anything you want for the quest. They gathered what items they needed and gathered by the door. Vivec then held out the items he picked "Okay, I brought some food, a Daedric Spear, this book called 'Gooey Goodies for the Road', and a spoon." Sotha Sil then held out the items he picked "I brought some food too, but I also picked a book called "10 ways to fry a Rat", a Daedric Dagger, an Exquisite Robe, an Uncle Sweetshare Doll, and a Greasy Frying Pan that says 'Property of Amarth'. Vivec looked at the frying pan "Who's Amarth?" Almalexia shrugged "Who knows." Almalexia then held out the items she picked "I brought some food from Mournhold, some enchanted rings and a dress, Fargoth, and a rainbow colored thong." Sotha Sil looked at her with worried look "You bringing Fargoth?" Fargoth struggled to free himself of Almalexia but she squeeze him tightly "He's so cute the little guy." Fargoth struggled to get free and pleaded to the others in the room "Please, help me, she feeds me baby food, makes me wear diapers, and takes my temperature with her thumb!" Sotha Sil shrugged, so she sticks her thumb in your mouth, so what?" Fargoth whined "She checks my temperature in the other area!" Vivec, Sotha Sil, and Nerevar flenched and Vivec cringed "Ew, didn't need to know that." Almalexia shook her finger at him "Somebody has been a naughty boy, and naughty boys get a spanking." Fargoth struggled to get free but was carried to the other side of the room and recieved his punishment. Vivec just cringed "Uh, why in the" SMACK "World does she want to" SMACK "Bring that stupid" SMACK "Bosmer to Red Mountain" SMACK. Almalexia walked back to the group carrying Fargoth in a Backpack fitted to hold him "Okay, baby has been spanked, so what did you get Nerevar?" Nerevar held out his items "I picked this Ebony Axe, a few scrolls of Summon Golden Saint, an imperial silver helm, and a belt that says "Playa." Almalexia looked at Nerevar curiously "Why did you pick the belt that says 'Playa my Nerevar?" Nerevar studdered "Oh uh-nothing, it just uh, looks nice." Vivec quickly ended any other dialog between the two "Come on, we have to find that cake before Dagoth Ur does!" The group then departed and headed for Red Mountain.  
  
The group finally arrived at Ghost Gate and finally passed through the gate. Vivec then looked around "Okay, she said that Dagoth Ur has the Cake, so let's go North to Dagoth Ur's Citadel. Sotha Sil groaned "Owh, can we please stop for something to eat?" Vivec shrugged "Why not, I'm pretty hungry too." The group sat down by a large rock and started eating some Ash Yams covered with Scrib Jelly. Almalexia got out a spoon with some Scrib Jelly and held it out to Fargoth "Come on, baby need food too." Fargoth shook his head "Baby needs free, that's what baby needs!" Almalexia gave him an evil glare "Does baby need another spanking?" Fargoth sighed and opend his mouth "Good boy baby!" Almalexia shoved the spoon into his mouth and pulled it out. She then put him over her shoulder and patted his back "Baby needs to burp now." Vivec, Sotha Sil, and Nerevar just sat their with their mouths open in mid eating staring at the site. Vivec looked to Sotha Sil and asked "There are no words in Tamriel that expresses how wrong this is." Sotha Sil and Nerevar just continued eating. Fargoth turned and looked at them "For Vivec sake man, help me!" Vivec looked up at him "YOU will address me as Mr. Snuggles!" Fargoth lifted an eyebrow "Mr. Snuggles? Fargoth then started laughing "What kind of a name is-'burp'" Fargoth stopped and staired blankly into space. Almalexia smiled "Good, baby burped!" Almalexia lifted the front of Fargoth's shirt, placed her mouth on his stomach and started making fart noises "Who's the good baby, who's the good little boy?" Fargoth kicked and squirmed "Okay okay, I am-I am!" The guys just shivered and continued to eat.  
  
A few hours later, the group finished eating and ventured forth to Dagoth Ur's Citadel. Almalexia lead the way this time followed by Nerevar, Sotha Sil, and Vivec. Vivec pouted "Why do I have to be at the back of the line?" Almalexia laughed "Because you only wear underwear." Nerevar and Sotha Sil chuckled at the fact that Vivec really did only wear underwear. Sotha Sil moaned "Are we their yet?" Almalexia sighed "No Sil, you asked that two minutes ago." Suddenly, a half dressed female Breton jumped out from behind a rock and tackled Almalexia and slammed her back into fargoth, which slammed into a rock. Fargoth groaned "What happened, I was sleeping and now I rock a rock in my eye?" Almalexia was then thrown face first onto the ground and the Female Breton Straddled Almalexia's back and started pounding her head into the ground. The guys just sat their with their jaws wide open. Nerevar poked Vivec with his elbow "Man, this is HOT" Vivec nodded and resisted the natural reaction to blink. Fargoth regained his bearings to find a Breton wearing only underwear with her crotch only inches away from his face "OH sweet Vivec, thank you for this delightful sight!" Vivec sat up and yelled "I had nothing to do with that you tard!" The breton soon realized that she was on top of Fargoth "EEW!" she said as she leaped off of Almalexia and picked up a stick "There's some kind of bug on your back, don't move!" Almalexia started running around in a panic "Get it off, get it off!" Vivec, Sotha Sil, and Nerevar couldn't help but laugh. The Breton then started beating Fargoth with the stick until it was reduced to a twig. Fargoth groaned "But I didn't do anything wrong mommy." Almalexia realized what had happened and proceeded to cuddle Fargoth "Oh the poor baby got hurt." Nerevar lifted his hand in an attempt to get her attention "Uh, can I get some of that attention?" Almalexia was too absorbed with Fargoth to hear him "Poor baby, does baby want some milk?" Fargoth's eyes opened wide "Jackpot!" Vivec pried his eyes to the half dressed Breton "Uh, who the **** are you?" The breton smiled "My name is Hally." Vivec smiled in response "My name is Mr. Snuggles" Hally froze in place and then burst into laughter "AHAHAHAHA, Mr. Snuggles, AHAHAHAHAHA!" Vivec pouted in response to her laughter "I thought it was a nice name." Nerevar hit Vivec up side the head with his hand "Man, your never gonna get some if you act like that, you gotta be cool!" Nerevar leaned up against the rock next to Hally "Hey baby, I'm Nerevar Indoril, what's a mink like you doing out in here?" Hally laughed "Robing people of course." Nerevar grinned "And how do you do that cupcake?" Hally grinned an evil grin "like this." Hally dropped her bra and Nerevar's jaw dropped "mommy" Hally laughed "And now you are hypnotized." Hally began stealing Nerevar's stuff when Almalexia appeared behind her with an enraged look in her eyes "You *****!" Hally and Almalexia began fighting one another. Hally "I'm gonna kick your *** you ****ing *****!" Almalexia laughed "Not if I kick your *** first!" Nerevar just stood their still hypnotized by Hally." Vivec started digging around in his pouch "Where is it, where is it!" Sotha Sil looked at him with shock "What are you doing man, she's almost tore Almalexia's panties off!" Vivec then pulled out a camera "Here we go!" Sotha Sil tilded his head "What the **** is that?" Vivec aimed the camera at the girls fighting "It captures a permanent image of what it's aimed at, which is the heavenly sight before us" Sotha Sil rubbed his hands together "Make copies for my Almalexia Shrine-I mean uh, forget the shrine thing okay." Vivec grinned "I got a shrine to Almalexia too. Do you have the picture of her on a playboy Calendar?" Sotha Sil laughed "I got six copies." Fargoth then realized what was happending "Don't worry mommy, I'm coming!" Fargoth then jumps into the fight. Vivec paused and looked at the fight before him "Did he just call her mommy?" Sotha Sil nodded "Almalexia has a way with men's minds." Soon, the fight was over and Almalexia looked over to the thief to see the thief unconscious on the ground. Almalexia hugged Fargoth "You called me mommy!" Fargoth smiled "nobody hurts my mommy!" Vivec packed up his camera "This is pretty ****ed up right here."  
  
One hour later, the group finally arrived at Dagoth Ur's Citadel. Vivec opened the door and walked inside "Show yourself you cake stealing n'wah!" Dagoth Ur opened a door and walked in "Ah, I see you are here Vivec, I figured it would be a short time before you arrived." Vivec pulled out his daedric spear "Give us the daedric breadbox with the cake!" Dagoth Ur laughed "Why would I do that? Do you know what powers I could gain from eating it?" Vivec lowered his spear lightly "Powers, what powers, I thought it just tasted really good?" Dagoth Ur laughed again "Ha, Azura didn't tell you did she, the one who eats the cake, controls the UNIVERSE...universe...universe...universe...univeree...universe!" "There's no echo in this room you tard!" Dagoth Ur paused "Oh...nevermind." Suddenly Crassius Curio appeared from behind the door "Honey, I thought you said you were coming to bed?" Dagoth Ur blushed "Go back to bed, I'll be there in a minute" Curio placed a hand on his hip and huffed "What?" Dagoth Ur lowered his shoulders and groaned "Ugh, I'll be right with you...sweetums." Curio smiled "Good." Almalexia suddenly blurted "THAT is really ****ed up." Dagoth Ur then cleared his throat "Okay, I'll give you the cake if you don't tell anyone about me and Curio" Suddenly Curio's voice emitted from behind the door "What did you call me?" Dagoth Ur groaned "Don't tell anyone about me and...Sweetums." A girlish giggle emitted from behind the door. Vivec dropped his spear "Uh...that was easy." Dagoth Ur handed over the daedric bread box "Hurry, I got to make Curi-I mean Sweetums happy." The group then left with the breadbox and gave it to Azura who was conveniently waiting outside. Azura held out her arms "Have you come to return the cake?" Vivec handed over the cake "Here you go Azura." Fargoth then leaped from Almalexia's backpack and began humping Azura's leg. Almalexia pulled out a squirt gun and sprayed Fargoth "Bad baby, bad bad baby!" Fargoth then turned and humped Almalexia's leg "Good baby." Sotha Sil then started humping Almalexia's leg "I'm a baby too!" Vivec sighed "I can't believe I fought in a war with these guys." Nerevar laughed "I can't believe I helped you guys after you killed me!" Azura drew circles around Nerevar's chest "you did it for me, remember." Nerevar moaned "oh...yeah." Vivec looked around in confusion "I'm uh...just going to go home now."  
  
The End...or is it?   



End file.
